I stopped praying my Sophomore year in college. Life had become too
much for me and I thought God wasn't there anyway. I thought He didn't hear me. I was angry that He didn't save
me. I felt llike He turned his back on me so that I could suffer. I didn't understand what I had done wrong to
deserve this act of hatred
There were so many reasons that I blamed God. I blamed Him for bringing
my rapists into my life. Why did he allow our paths to cross? Why did He decide that this was going to happen
to me? I asked myself these things again and again. I did not feel that God was giving me the answers. I
was angry with him for that.
I had to struggle with my anger for a long time before I could realize that
God was not to blame. I think my anger with God subsided before my anger with myself. I realized that we as humans
have free will. God can not make you do anything if you are unwilling. Satan can not make you do anything if you
are unwilling. You decide your path for yourself. You decide what you want to do. Neither God nor the Devil
direct the fates of human kind. I always knew in my heart that this was true. It just took me a long time to see
that it was true for my rapist too. I do not know, maybe I thought he was a monster of sorts. It was when saw
him as human with human feelings and human faults that I could finally say that God was not to blame for what happened to
me. My rapist made up his own mind about what he would do and how he would act. Only my rapist could control his
decisions.
So it wasn't God's fault that it happened, I still blamed myself partially.
I will save the details of this struggle for a different page. The point is I know I made it through the storm.
I know I didn't make it through alone. If I was alone I would have destroyed myself.
Putting down the anger was a difficult process for me. I felt I had
lost so much being afraid. I felt that nobody not even God could give the years my spirit was dead back. Holding
on to the anger made me aware of that. I could also use it as a weapon. I knew that if I saw my rapist again my
undying rage and hatred for him would make him crumble. It made me happy to know that I had that kind of power.
It made me happy to know that I could hurt him like he hurt me and I wanted to do it. I came to the realization one
day that wanting to hurt him made me just like him. I did not want to be like him at all. I wanted to be strong
and I never wanted to hurt anyone. I wanted to stop the cycle of hatred. When I realized my anger made me like
my rapist, I was able to let me go.
In honesty, anger is still something I struggle with to this day. I am still angry. I do not
like what my life has become. I still take that anger out on myself in different ways. I am not sure that anger
will ever subside completely. I have every right to feel it. Pretending to be something that you are not is just
as unhealthy as allowing it to overcome you. Each of us has to decide what we want to do with our anger. I don't think
I have found my way yet.
Forgiveness was a point that I never thought I would reach. I didn't
think it was necessary in the healing process really. I didn't think I had to forgive him. I still believe forgivness
is a personal choice. I will not tell anyone to forgive those that hurt them. Believe me I did not want to do
it. I did not see why I should do it when he knew what it felt like to be abused. I left it up to God to forgive
him. I knew God would forgive him, but I could not. SInce I wrote this, things have change, I have gone back to
my original belief system. Forgiveness is not necessary or possible for me. It does not mean that I haven't accepted
what happened. It simply means that I do not grant forgiveness.
I went to see a play called "A Long Walk Home". Something moved in
me. I knew I had to forgive him because I wanted to put out love and warmth into the world. I believe in Karma.
I think that whatever you put out will come back to you. The small amount of anger and hatred that was still in my heart
would haunt me and I knew it. If I had the chance to meet my rapist again I would not lash out at him and tell him how
much I hate him. He already knows. He knows exactly how I feel. He told me and showed me how he felt 8 years
ago in August even though I did not ask. I would instead extend a hand and help him out. I would let him know
that he is loved and that he is heard. (That kind of makes me want to barf, but I won't change it as some of it is still true.)
I didn't want to live my life filled with hate and rage anymore. I wanted to be me.
I let the anger and rage go. It doesn't mean that I think that it is OK. It just means that I am not angry anymore.
I am not as angry. The hatred and anger that I felt no longer rules my life. The journey of healing is a ever
changing process. This is not a step backward on my part. It is a step forward. I am starting to develop
my own beliefs instead of reflecting the beliefs I learned in therapy.
Still the play is a wonderful play. I do recommend seeing it if it comes to your area.
To find out more about A Long Walk Home please visit:
