|
The most important thing you can ever do is to believe us when we tell you.
- Remember that you can not do it for us. We have to work through the pain on our own. You can be there to support
us, love us and give us advice. It is up to us to accept that advice and try to take your advice.
- Even when it doesn't seem like it, we are trying. We can't get better overnight. We don't want to feel the
way we feel no more than you like seeing us in pain.
- When we are hard on ourselves and we don't seem to be listening, keep encouraging us we are listening. Remind us
of our qualities not our flaws.
- Ask us how we want to be supported.
- Don't let us push you away. We push because we are scared. We push because we don't want you to hurt with
us.
- Sometimes we have a hard time expessing how we feel even to ourselves. We can't always explain what's wrong.
- Sometimes we only need a hug.
- We don't mean to take our anger out on you. Sometimes we don' know what to do with it. It is Ok to call us
on it sometimes.
- Don't constantly watch us expecting us to make a mistake. It makes us feel like you don't believe in us. If we
think that you don't believe in us, e are more likely to make a mistake. We are trying to get better, We need you to
be there when we fall. We need you to be there when we succeed too.
- We still love you
I have included the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model of grieving on the secondary survivors page because I thought
it is important to know what your loved one is going through or has gone through. There are several steps to healing from
rape. It may seem simple to just put it behind you but it is not. If it were I wouldn’t have suffered the way I did
and neither would the person you love. It is easy to say that rape completely destroys your soul, but it is hard for somebody
to really understand unless they have personally experienced it themselves.
What Should I do if My Friend Tells Me They Have Been Raped?
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross Grief Model
Denial and isolation are defense mechanisms that protect one from shock. Your loved one may not be ready to face the trauma.
They might not be ready to deal with the pain that they are in. They may not be able to recall details of the rape. Do not
try to force them. Forcing them will only make them feel worse. They will either go deeper into denial or they will become
angry. I know that right after my rape I did not want to talk about it. I did not want to go to therapy even though in the
back of my mind I knew that I would have to. I did not tell anyone because I was in denial about it myself. If I told I would
have to believe that it happened.
Anger at being the object of a tragedy is often directed at undeserving others. Anger is something that I definitely felt.
I took it out on my family and friends although I didn’t mean too. I wasn’t even aware that I was being angry.
I thought I was still masking my feelings well. I had to learn to place my anger where it belonged and to find healthy outlets
for it. In the beginning, I was very angry with myself. I was angry with myself because I allowed the memories to come back,
and I was angry with myself because I thought I allowed it to happen to me. There were so many reasons why I was angry. I
had to learn to be angry with the people that hurt me. I also had to let go of that anger. I could have carried it around
with me for the rest of my life, but that would have allowed me to hold on to the pain also.
While I was dealing with my anger I had to find healthy ways to let go of the anger I was feeling. One of the things I
did was I became a Community Leader on the iVillage messageboards. This allows me to vent my anger and speak out against rape.
It allows me to help other survivors so they do not have to suffer in silence like I did. Right now that is enough to satisfy
me. In the beginning it wasn’t. I had to find ways on my own. The anger can cause your loved one to make unhealthy decisions.
Decisions such as Self-Injury, alcoholism, eating-disorders, drugs and suicide are all example of unhealthy ways to cope with
your anger. All of these seemed like an easy way out for me when I first started to actually deal with my rape even though
alcohol, self-injury and anorexia called my name. If you know that your loved one is suffering from any negative behavior
please believe they do not want to do those things to themselves. They want to cope with the pain and they want to find away
out. You can support them by helping them find a healthy outlet. Please try to refrain from criticizing them. That will only
make them want the negative coping techniques more.
Bargaining is a way to temporarily postpone the inevitable. I am not sure how to tackle this section right now. I only
recently learned what bargaining is. I did this all the time. There was a time when I knew that I was eventually going to
have to deal with the rape and tell someone. I would tell myself OK, I will deal with it after this test and this paper. Then
there was always a test or a paper due. I was always too busy to deal with it. I my opinion this is something the survivor
has to work through. They should have the choice in when they will deal with the pain. Even if it seems they are denying the
pain forever, making them deal with it before they are ready will only make things worse.
Depression is the tremendous feeling of loss that creates sadness and guilt in preparing oneself for the end. I felt depression
for all the years after my rape. I could never feel happy even when things were going well. Even now, it is hard for me to
feel happiness because I knew only sadness for years. I was never suicidal because I was too afraid to do it. Not because
I was afraid for my family. Suicide is completely selfish. I was afraid that it would hurt and I wouldn’t do it right
and I would end up just being in pain. There were times that I really wanted to go to bed and just never wake up. One day
I realized that I really did want to live, but I didn’t know how with all the pain I was feeling. I had to find my way.
That involved doing something I thought was impossible. I had to learn to trust a stranger with my deepest darkest feelings.
If your loved one is suicidal you may have to intervene. You may have to make the decision to put them in the hospital. You
can try giving them the number to the suicide hotline 1-800-SUICIDE, but it has been my experience that those who tell you
they want to commit suicide are crying out for help. As I said before, suicide is completely selfish. People who are going
to kill themselves do so because they want to and they have given up. You can show your loved one my website or you can show
them any of the other links available on my site.
Is not thinking what happened to you is OK. It is the ability to know that it happened and not have it effect your present
day life. You will never forget what happened. It will always hurt on some level. When anything tragic happens to us, we our
bound to feel some hurt. Acceptance is not being controlled by the pain. All survivors eventually reach this point. I believe
that I am at this point now. I have accepted that I was raped. Acceptance does not mean you are cured. You may still experience
any of the symptoms above. Healing from rape may be a life long process. The rape itself does not cause me any pain. I am
still trying to heal from the aftermath. I am still trying rebuild my self-esteem and my belief in myself.
|
